Giftedness and Existential Depression

Written By Genevieve Camp

Last night my 9 year old daughter had another one of her existential depressive attacks (I’m struggling to find the right thing to call them—existential meltdown? Existential crisis spiral?) that happen on occasion, usually at bedtime. We were lying in bed together and she was saying how she didn’t want to go to bed because she had so many things she wanted to do and I said something about how maybe she would go on some fun adventures in the dreams and finished with a cheery, “You never know where you might go!” Immediately I saw her expression change as if a storm cloud was passing over her, casting a dark shadow on her face. “What??” I asked, confused, “What just happened?” After a pause she said, “You said, ‘you never know where you might go’ which means I might go somewhere really scary!” And just like that she stumbled into the deep dark shadows of her own mind. 

For the next hour she wept in despair about how she feels like such an insignificant speck in the universe, and “what if it turns out the the universe is actually just a speck in an even larger universe?!” She sobbed about how little an impact she’s had on the world so far, and how she feels the pressure of time—like her life is running out, and how she needs to do something meaningful with her short time on earth, and what if the world is destroyed by a nuclear bomb and how she doesn’t want to die!!! She lamented her own intelligence and capacity for comprehending the vastness and complexity of life and existence saying, “I wish I wasn’t so smart and didn’t have to think about these things!” 

This may sound dramatic and unbelievable to some people but if you have a kid like this (or you were this kid) know that your kid is not broken…they’re probably just gifted. Most people associate giftedness with academic achievement and being really good at something like math but giftedness is better understood as a unique way of experiencing, thinking, and processing information. Gifted kids can think abstractly, grasp complex issues, and see connections between seemingly disparate ideas, at a much younger age than their non-gifted peers. They can envision an ideal world and can sense their own potential to contribute in a meaningful way which means that they are also aware of the gap between how things are and how they could be. All of this can lead to feelings of loneliness and being different from others. In addition, gifted kids tend to experience life and their own emotions more intensely—everything is amplified. 

Parenting kids like this is not for the faint of heart. However, if you have a (biological) kid like this there’s a good chance that these kinds of existential meltdowns feel all too familiar. It turns out giftedness is largely heritable and not something we grow out of. Gifted kids grow up to be gifted adults. Regardless of whether or not you can personally relate to you kid’s experience, the most helpful thing you can do is validate their feelings (tell them their feelings makes sense) and be with them as they go through it. The one thing that makes existential depression even harder is feeling all alone with it.  

When I was a kid I too had the kinds of thoughts and questions that my young daughter expressed so eloquently but for various reasons I learned early on to keep my big thoughts and feelings hidden. I didn’t talk to my parents or anyone else about what was really going on in my inner world. I coped as best I could on my own and one of the most effective strategies was dissociation. I learned how to disconnect from my feelings and float away. 

Interestingly, throughout my childhood I had a recurring dream in which I was a chubby boy that floated above my mother like a balloon. My perspective in these dreams was always looking down on the scene from above, I had no gravity and couldn’t connect to the ground. I always hated these dreams and in hindsight I think they reflected my dissociative tendencies and my emotional disconnection from my mother and my self. I had never been able to makes sense of why I was always a chubby boy in these dreams until dream worker Tristy Taylor suggested it could be symbolic of self-alienation—my dream persona presented as the visual opposite of the thin girl that I perceived myself to be in waking life.

By the time I was a teenager I had full-blown existential depression but continued to keep my feelings hidden which, as you can guess, only made things worse. While the existential thoughts and feelings themselves were scary it was being alone with them that was more than I could bare. This can be generalized to any other difficult feelings that we might have in childhood—it’s not usually the painful emotion itself that causes trauma, it’s being alone with the emotion that feels unbearable and can result in dissociation and fragmentation of the internal system. A critical step in the Internal Family Systems model of trauma healing is when the adult Self compassionately witnesses the experience of the young, split-off part (a.k.a. the exile) and in doing so the inner child is no longer alone and can be healed and reintegrated back into the system. 

As strange as it might sound, while I lay in bed holding my sobbing, distraught child, I felt a deep sense of gratitude and peace because in that moment I knew that she was learning the opposite of what I had learned. She was learning that it is safe for her to express her emotions no matter how big and scary they are, that she doesn’t have to be alone with them, that they make sense and are valid, and that in the midst of feeling insignificant she is still loved and held by me and the universe. At the same time my own inner children were learning the same thing. My young parts who felt so alone in childhood got to feel seen and heard and loved by my adult Self in the way they needed to feel back when I was my daughter’s age.

Given that we are all currently living through the rise of fascism, climate crisis, and global multi-systemic collapse, existential depression and despair is easy to fall into, especially for those of us who are highly sensitive and naturally wired for emotional intensity, meta-thinking, and seeing how everything is connected. Something that I find helpful for balancing out my brain’s tendency to zoom out wider and wider until I am completely overwhelmed by all the tragedies in the world and I have been reduced to an insignificant speck in the universe is to intentionally zoom back in and focus on what is real and tangible and meaningful in my life right now. This is what that has been looking like recently:

  • Seeking physical and emotional connection with my immediate family and closest friends. For example, asking my husband for a long hug (20 seconds is supposedly all it takes for the brain to release oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone” that promotes feelings of safety and connection), calling a friend or sending them a message telling them how grateful I am that they are in my life, or cuddling with my cats and letting their warmth, soft fur, and purring vibrations calm my nervous system. 

  • Remembering that I am a microcosm of the macro and I can only love others as much as I love myself. Seeing my thoughts and emotions (a.k.a. my parts) through kind, loving eyes (a.k.a. Self) helps me to reconnect to a feeling of being loved and held by the universe (a.k.a. Universal Self or SELF) and to not feel so alone. Listening to a yoga nidra mediation is great tool for this.

  • Connecting to the natural world around me. This could be going for a nature walk, gardening, or simply sitting outside my house and engaging my senses by noticing the different smells, sights, sounds, textures, and tastes around me. I love listening to the birds and watching the squirrels go about their business. Simply standing barefoot on the ground and feeling the sun on my face can be enough to shift my mood sometimes.

  • Baking a nutrient-dense treat like Superhero muffins or cooking a nourishing meal for my family. Cooking is another great way to ground through the senses and by providing nourishment for the important people in my life I am reminded that I can make a difference in the lives of others through simple acts.

Resources:

Genevieve Camp https://genevievecamp.com
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