Existential Depression: Navigating the Dark Side of Giftedness

Written By Genevieve Camp

Black holes of a gifted mind

Last night my 9-year-old had another one of her existential meltdowns that happen on occasion, usually at bedtime. We were lying in bed together and she was saying how she didn’t want to go to bed because she had so many things she wanted to do and I said something about how maybe she would go on some fun adventures in her dreams, and finished with a cheery, “You never know where you might go!”

Immediately I saw her expression change as if a storm cloud was passing over her, casting a dark shadow on her face. “What??” I asked, confused, “What just happened?” After a pause she said, “You said, ‘you never know where you might go’ which means I might go somewhere really scary!” And just like that she got sucked into a black hole of her own mind. 

For the next hour she wept in despair about how she feels like such an insignificant speck in the universe, and “what if it turns out the the universe is actually just a speck in an even larger universe?!” She sobbed about how little an impact she’s had on the world so far, and how she feels the pressure of time—like her life is running out, and how she needs to do something meaningful with her short time on earth, and what if the world is destroyed by the time she is an adult and how she doesn’t want to die!!! She lamented her own intelligence and capacity for comprehending the vastness and complexity of life and existence saying, “I wish I wasn’t so smart and didn’t have to think about these things!” 

Gifted complexity, intensity & coregulation

To some people this may sound overly dramatic and hard to imagine coming from a young child, but for a small percentage of the population, existential meltdowns like what I described are par for the course and can begin at a surprisingly young age. If you have a kid like this, or you were this kid, you may find it interesting to know that heightened self-awareness, high self-expectations and internal pressure to reach one’s potential, abstract existential questioning, and intense emotions are actually characteristics of giftedness.

Most people associate giftedness with academic achievement and being really good at something like math but giftedness is better understood as a unique way of experiencing, thinking, and processing information—it’s a neurotype. Gifted kids can think abstractly, grasp complex issues, and see connections between seemingly disparate ideas, at a much younger age than their non-gifted peers. They can envision an ideal world and can sense their own potential to contribute in a meaningful way which means that they are also aware of the gap between how things are and how they could be. Gifted kids are more likely to question the status quo and call out injustice and hypocrisy when they see it. All of this can lead to feelings of loneliness and being different from others. In addition, gifted kids often experience life and their own emotions more intensely (a.k.a. overexcitability)—everything is amplified. 

Parenting kids like this is not for the faint of heart. However, if you have a (biological) kid like this there’s a good chance that you too are familiar with existential meltdowns. It turns out giftedness is largely heritable and not something we grow out of. Gifted kids grow up to be gifted adults. Regardless of whether or not you can personally relate to you kid’s experience, the most helpful thing you can do when they are spiraling out is to remain calm, validate their feelings, and be with them as they go through it. The one thing that makes existential depression (or any painful emotional experience) even harder is feeling all alone with it. What I am referring to here is co-regulation. By providing a calm, steady, supportive presence for your child as they experience their intense emotions you are laying the foundation for them to eventually be able to self-regulate (i.e. access their own Self-energy). When we are little we don’t yet have the capacity or skills to regulate our emotions on our own which means that without the necessary support intense emotions can quickly flood the nervous system leading to overwhelm and shut-down. 

gifted legacy burdens & healing through parenting

When I was a kid I too had the kinds of thoughts and questions that my daughter expressed so eloquently, but for various reasons I learned early on that it was not okay to express them. I became very skilled at keeping my big thoughts and feelings hidden. I didn’t talk to my parents or anyone else about what was really going on in my inner world. I coped as best I could on my own and one of the most effective strategies was dissociation. When my internal experience became too overwhelming I disconnected from my feelings and floated away. 

As a side note, I find it rather revealing that throughout my childhood I had a recurring dream in which I was a chubby boy who floated above my mother like a balloon. My perspective in these dreams was always looking down on the scene from above, I had no gravity and couldn’t connect to the ground. I always hated these dreams and in hindsight it’s clear to me that they reflected my dissociative tendencies and my emotional disconnection from my mother and my self. My dream persona presented as a chubby boy—the visual opposite of the thin girl that I was in waking life—as a reflection of my self-alienation.

By the time I was a teenager I had full-blown existential depression but continued to keep my feelings hidden which, as you can guess, continued to make things worse. By my early 20’s I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The lack of adequate co-regulation in childhood, combined with years of maladaptive coping, had resulted in significant disintegration and imbalance in my internal system. 

As strange as it might sound, while I lay in bed holding my distraught child, I felt a deep sense of gratitude and peace because in that moment I knew that she was learning the opposite of what I had learned. She was learning that it is safe for her to express her emotions no matter how big and scary they are, that she doesn’t have to be alone with them, that they make sense and are valid, and that in the midst of feeling insignificant she is still loved and held by me and the universe. At the same time my own inner child was learning the same thing. My young part who felt so alone in childhood got to feel seen and heard and loved by my adult Self in the way she needed to feel back when I was my daughter’s age. It was a lovely moment of spontaneous intergenerational gifted trauma healing. 

Navigating tendencies toward existential depression

Given that we are currently living in a time of collapse and ecocide, existential depression and despair is easy to fall into, especially for those of us who are highly sensitive and naturally wired for emotional intensity, meta-thinking, and seeing how everything is connected. Something that I find helpful for balancing out my brain’s tendency to zoom out wider and wider until I am completely overwhelmed by all the tragedies and catastrophes in the world is to intentionally zoom back in and focus on what is real and tangible and meaningful in my life right now. This is what that has been looking like recently:

  • Seeking physical and emotional connection with my immediate family and closest friends. For example, asking my husband for a long hug (20 seconds is supposedly all it takes for the brain to release oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone” that promotes feelings of safety and connection), calling a friend or sending them a message telling them how grateful I am that they are in my life, or cuddling with my cats and letting their warmth, soft fur, and purring vibrations calm my nervous system. 

  • Remembering that I am a microcosm of the macro and I can only love others as much as I love myself. Seeing my thoughts and emotions (a.k.a. my parts) through kind, loving eyes (a.k.a. Self) helps me to reconnect to a feeling of being loved and held by the universe (a.k.a. Universal Self or SELF) and to not feel so alone. Listening to a yoga nidra mediation is great tool for this.

  • Connecting to the natural world around me. This could be going for a nature walk, doing yard work, or simply sitting outside my house and engaging my senses by noticing the different smells, sights, sounds, textures, and tastes around me. Standing barefoot on the ground and feeling the sun on my face is sometimes enough to shift my mood.

  • Baking a nutrient-dense treat like my favorite Superhero muffins or cooking a nourishing meal for my family. Cooking is another great way to ground through the senses and by providing nourishment for the important people in my life I am reminded that I can make a difference in the lives of others through simple acts.

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Genevieve Camp https://genevievecamp.com
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Asynchronous Development in your Internal Family