Asynchronous Development in your Internal Family

Asynchronous development and Giftedness

Asynchronous development is a phenomenon frequently talked about in the context of giftedness and twice/multi-exceptionality (i.e. giftedness + Autism, ADHD, or other disabilities) and refers to intellectual, emotional, social, and physical development happening at different rates.

Here are a few examples of what this could look like:

• A 9-year-old child who is capable of having nuanced conversations with adults about topics such as the geopolitical implications of climate change but still enjoys playing “make-believe” and other imaginative games with children who are younger than s/he is.

• A 12-year-old child who is comfortable performing Mozart sonatas in front of an audience, but hasn’t gone through puberty yet and feels anxious when socializing with same-age peers.

• A 5-year old child who has advanced ability in reading and math but struggles with emotion regulation and frustration tolerance resulting in intense emotional melt-downs when s/he makes a mistake.

Asynchronous development is definitely a key feature of giftedness but in a more subtle way I see it as something we all experience regardless of age or neurotype. This got me wondering…

What if asynchronous development isn’t only relevant to giftedness but is actually a phenomenon inherent to the human experience? And what if understanding ourselves in this way can lead to greater self-acceptance, wholeness, and integration? 

Asynchronous development and internal family systems (IFS)

The IFS model is based on the observation that our personalities are not singular, rather they are made of of many sub-personalities or parts. Each part has it’s own thoughts, emotions, needs, desires, and gifts. And each part is on its own developmental journey. In other words, we all have parts that are at different stages of development. Even as chronological adults we have baby parts, child parts, adolescent parts, and of course, adult parts too. 

Our parts make up our personality, our human nature, but they don’t represent ALL of who we are. We also each have a Self, the natural leader and healer of our internal system. The Self is our spiritual nature, our divine essence, and the aspect of us that connects to big SELF (a.k.a. the Universe, God/dess, etc.).

Unlike parts, the Self cannot be damaged and doesn’t need to be developed. Parts, on the other hand, grow and develop with us—and not all at the same pace.

What’s trauma got to do with it?

Trauma and emotionally painful life experiences from the past (a.k.a. little “t” traumas) can cause a part to get stalled at a particular developmental stage resulting in present life experiences of feeling stuck, imposter syndrome, and self-sabotage (among other things). To clear the path towards reaching one’s potential and get things moving again it can be necessary to go back to the original wound and heal the part that got hurt and is still frozen in time. 

For example, if in infancy, your basic needs for nourishment, safety, and loving touch weren’t consistently met, you may have an infant part inside you who is still struggling to survive and be cared for. Your adult parts may be ready to do big things out in the world but if a part of you is still crying out to be held and comforted you will likely feel something (or someone) holding you back. The good news is that your core Self—your inherent reservoir of unconditional love and compassion—knows exactly how to care for that baby, and in doing so can help her or him to successfully complete that developmental stage.

While trauma can cause arrested development, in my experience, parts that have never experienced trauma, or who have been healed, can still exist at various ages and stages of development other than the physical body’s chronological age.

For example, unburdening a child part liberates her/him to be the playful, creative, magical child s/he was intended to be. The part may remain a child in the family system whose youthful gifts can now be integrated into the present adult life and relationships. To offer a more humorous, personal example, I have a part that my husband and I refer to as my “middle-school-boy humor part” (obviously he needs a catchier name) who still thinks fart jokes and bathroom humor are the funniest. He is a goofy 12-year-old that adds a certain flavor to my quirky sense of humor—and he hasn’t shown any interest in growing up!

Meeting our parts where they are at

Applying this lens of asynchronous development to our internal systems can help us more accurately identify and meet our parts’ various needs, recognize and integrate their unique gifts, and embrace a multidimensional sense of self that is not limited to linear/chronological/physical time.

In the same way that a gifted child’s intellectual, social, emotional, physical, and spiritual development should be considered independently, it is important to acknowledge the varying stages of development that our internal parts may be at. We’ve probably all had the experience of being temporarily taken over by a part that is younger than our chronological age. (Have you ever thrown a temper tantrum because a part of you really didn’t want to do something? Or had a couple drinks and started acting like you did when you were in college?) As previously mentioned, no one part is equipped to lead the system—that’s the Self’s job—so when a part does take over or dominates, it usually creates problems sooner or later. 

Having a better understanding of the multiplicity and multidimensionality of our personalities can help us to accept. appreciate, and take care of ALL our parts, which in turn fosters trust in Self-leadership and restores balance and harmony to our internal systems. With asynchronous development the point isn’t to get all parts to be at the same developmental level, the point is to recognize that different parts have different needs and to meet them where they are at. 

Here are a few questions for getting to know some of your younger parts. (I offer examples of responses but yours may be very different so go with what feels true for you):

child parts:

• What traits or characteristics describe how you were as a child? (e.g. playful, creative, curious)

• When do you feel that way in your life now? (e.g. when I get to do creative activities and use my imagination)

• What needs do your child parts have? (e.g. unstructured time for play and creativity)

• How can you meet these needs? What is one action you can commit to now? (e.g. set aside time to make art, plan a playdate with a friend)

Adolescent parts:

• What traits or characteristics describe how you were as an adolescent? (e.g. moody, rebellious, risk-taking)

• When do you feel that way in your life now? (e.g. when someone I don’t respect tries to tell me what to do)

• What needs do your adolescent parts have? (e.g. autonomy, adventure, independence)

• How can you meet these needs? What is one action you can commit to now? (e.g. plan a solo trip somewhere new and exciting)

Other questions to consider:

• What do you think? Is asynchronous development a helpful concept for thinking about your internal family system?

• Are you gifted/2e/me or do you have a gifted/2e/me child? If so, how does asynchronous development show up for you or your family?

• If you are in the process of integrating a neurodivergent identity (e.g. you recently discovered you are gifted, Autistic, ADHD, etc.), how can the concepts of multiplicity and asynchronous development support your integration process?

If you want more guidance for exploring your own parts and their relationships to each other I have a free Art of Parts workbook that guides you through art-based exercises for getting to know your internal family.

If you feel like you might need some 1:1 support for working with your system you can schedule a free 20 minute discovery session with me here.